Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I just need to let this out.

I feel like I'm at the lowest point of my life. Today has been one of the most frustrating, saddening, infuriating, and possibly even depressing days I've had in the past 5 years. Everything's crashing around me. It's so difficult to hide it but I have to keep this fake smile plastered on my face 24/7 because people expect me to be happy. But with the way my life is going, there's nothing to smile about. I mean all I can do now is hope and pray for the best because I've done everything I could do. The past three months were amazing, but now I have to face the consequences. Right now, I'm really losing hope. I've been forcing myself to control my tears and emotions. 15 days left. I'm more terrified than anxious. I keep telling myself that nothing is final until the results have been released, but it feels like I'm doing this just to deny what I really think and feel is going on. Like some sort of way to make me feel better. But it's not. There are so many things left for me to do but I can't seem to concentrate. I'm stuck in a warp zone and I can't get out. I need to snap out of this. I know my parents will be disappointed. But what's worse is that I'm disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen. The worst feeling is coming from all this self-scrutiny and self-hatred. I can't stop myself. I've fallen into a pit and I'm allowing myself to wallow in self-inflicted misery.

I need a moment to convince myself I can't give up and this isn't the worst thing that could happen to me. I desperately need to do this for myself. I can't be a coward any longer.

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